The Compatibility Trap

Dr. Sanna Balsari-Palsule, a Cambridge-trained psychologist and professor, questions the modern belief that a good relationship depends on finding a perfectly compatible partner. Many people now approach dating like a search, using quizzes, trait comparisons and the hope of finding someone who will make them whole. Balsari-Palsule argues that this pursuit may cause more harm than good, and that lasting relationships are usually built through the ongoing work of handling friction.

The book places compatibility within its historical and social background and examines the myths that shape how people choose partners and judge their relationships. It also draws on recent psychological research and the author's own dramatic search for her most compatible match. Her stories are candid and often funny, and they are joined by conversations with couples and individuals facing the everyday messiness that everyone encounters in love.

The central idea is a framework for managing differences in three groups: low-stakes differences that irritate or put people off, high-stakes differences that need serious effort, and deal breakers rooted in core values. Balsari-Palsule applies this framework to lifestyle clashes, politics, money, sexual chemistry and the range of orange, red and green flags, offering strategies for turning conflict into closeness and personal growth.

Written for readers who are dating, in a situationship or in a long-term marriage, the book includes exercises and self-assessments for putting its ideas into practice. Black-and-white illustrations and charts appear throughout.