Trauma Bonding

Are you still reeling from an abusive relationship? Perhaps you have been heartbroken over one person for an unusually long time, feeling unable to let go. If you sense that you are trauma bonded to someone and cannot get past the pain they caused, this book is written for you.

The author, Dr Annely Alexander, stresses from the outset that this is not a quick fix. Healing takes time and real effort, and the method she describes depends on your willingness to look honestly at yourself and commit to finding lasting happiness. She draws on her training, her own work on herself, and years of supporting private clients, several of whom moved from feeling stuck to a clear sense of what they needed to do.

The book opens by asking whether you recognise yourself in some common patterns. You may keep thinking about people who hurt you and are no longer in your life, long for contact that you know will only bring more pain, or keep returning to people who take advantage of you. You might stay loyal to someone who betrayed you despite little sign of change, feel a desperate need for approval from people who do not care, or go to great lengths to help people who have harmed you. The chapters cover four ways to tell whether you are trauma bonded, ten questions for self-reflection, the most harmful effect of trauma bonding on the brain and how to address it, and the first step to take before beginning recovery. Other topics include a frank look at what keeps the bond in place, how to tell love apart from trauma, rebuilding a sense of safety within yourself, working through heartache and obsession, and handling difficult emotions such as anger, hatred, fear and anxiety.

The tone is gentle and unhurried. Readers can move at their own pace and are not pushed into action before they are ready. The author does not promise a complete cure, but says that readers who study the chapters carefully, take notes and reread them may notice reduced anxiety within a few days and larger improvements within a week or two. She notes that these outcomes are what her audience has commonly reported.